Volcán Acatenango - Guatemala

I just made it back from my hike with all my parts intact. I’m exhausted and I typically process my story as I go but my moments had a vast difference in thoughts, emotions and clarity. At one point I thought I’d keep everything to the positive but that’s not always life. I’ll edit and rewrite this a dozen times before the sunrises again. So… here goes.

This was probably the most demanding hike I have done… mentally and physically and I finished dirtier than I have ever been in all of my years.

I’m definitely not into tours or group settings and I squirm at the thought. Back to the “taking myself out of my comfort zone.” I did the Lewis and Clark Cavern tour last summer with a guide that talked and looked like Jan Brady. The doors were locked in front of me and behind me and I truly felt trapped. Another time last summer, I met Zowada in Bozeman and she mentioned I’m squirmy and I don’t like to be cornered… I did look for a window in the bathroom to crawl out of to escape when we were hanging out. I told her that when I came back. I laughed, she did not. I got to be me…

I was signed up with a guide and group to do the Acatenango Volcano hike. I was told a bunch of stuff and I listened but didn’t listen. “Bring lots of water, cold weather clothes, snacks and show up at the door at 7am and we’ll do the rest…” …blipity bloop. I’ll figure it out as I go.

When I got there 7am there was a Canadian from Quebec City giving an orientation. “Bring at least 4 liters of water and more if you’re going to do the extra hikes…” umm extra hikes?!? I listened but didn’t listen. They have extra gear at the tour place and you can take or rent what you need. He said it would get below 0°C. He’s Canadian and everyone except the USA, Burma and Liberia uses the metric system. USA! USA! Anybloop, 0°C is when water freezes. Yup… cold enough.

I loaded up with 5 liters of water and took a pair of their winter gloves. I think I had enough gear and snacks. 5 liters is a shitload of weight and I would find out later how that would affect me.

I got on the shuttle with all the other people and headed towards the trailhead… I began to feel boxed in. When we got to the trailhead it was a hornets nest. A busy roadside, full of trash, no bathrooms… and there is where we met our guides. 4 dudes that live on the mountain. All super nice and very patient. Except now… “get your stuff and start walking!”

The trail was dusty, and wore down a meter deep (metric system folks… get on board!) and completely full of people. So many people. The Canadian at the headquarters (which was just a restaurant back room) told me that Dutch people do some pilgrimage or something to Acatenango. I later found out it was Dutch, Danish and other Northern Euro peoples. 100s and 100s of them. I’ve been in a number of places recently that I’m the only blue eyed guy around. Not here, not now… the blue eyed peoples everywhere.

The trail started steep (35° pitch… and no i did not measure), and was dusty, all loose gravel and had an unpleasant amount of Euro peeps on it. No bathroom window to climb out of here… feeling boxed in Zowada!

Now… I’m an ‘about the journey’ and not the ‘about the destination’ type of bloke. I design my experiences to have an enjoyable journey…

but the first 17 hours of this journey was never described by the word fun. Maybe… sucks royally. I was told it was about - 3 hour haul and an additional 1.5 to the summit. It was an hour and half of a steep climb just to the park entrance.

You pay 50QTX at the entrance and fill out a form. The form had a section on age. 51+ was my box. I was already feeling like 151 years old at that point. Our guide told us some local knowledge about the big ass tree (and tested later and I forgot both times) and pointed to a wonky map that was hand drawn and said it wasn’t accurate. He pointed at a spot that had nothing and said we’d eat lunch here and then another mystery spot that would be base camp. When do we get there is my question. I kept hearing 1 to here and 2 hours to here. Nope. Many more hours to everywhere.

It was approaching 2 hours before we had our lunch. The tour company made it and we carried it with us. It was cold mashed potatoes and meatless meatballs. I normally don’t shake a stick at food snacks but I was thinking ungrateful thoughts and making crunchy faces as I ate.

We carried on to base camp which was supposed to be 2 hours but was 3 plus… 5-6 total (i could no longer do math at this point) I rolled in with nothing left in my legs. Took a few photos and laid down in my metal deck shelter. Kind of like a doghouse. I didn’t care. I was no longer walking up a perpetually steep incline.

The temperature went from hot to cool and then quickly to very cold. Basecamp is at 12,000ft and clouds rolled in. When I popped out of my doghouse we were enveloped in clouds, and it was misty. The 2 additional evening hikes were suspended. My legs thanked the clouds.

The weather was so cold that the crew brought my dinner to my tiny shelter and said I should eat inside. There’s no windows and just tall enough to sit up in the middle. Warm wool blankets and a zero degree sleeping bag. I tucked in for the night.

Then!!! And then!!! The next group showed up and it was a couple dozen young women from Holland. First… Dutch girls all talk at the same time and they never stop talking. Never!! Second… they have 3 volumes; outside voice, screaming, scream laughing.

Now… an issue with basecamp is there is no bathrooms. My guess is there’s 100 people in the immediate area… and yes, no bathrooms. It was cold and the bathroom etiquete of Dutch girls is to wee anywhere and everywhere. Everywhere!!!! Their designated spots were directly in front of their shelter, and directly in front of MY shelter, and in great mass… right next to my shelter. All night with the racehorse pee sounds and giggling Dutch girls. In the morning light it was a sight to see. Gross.

Anymoo, all the pee sounds made me have to have a piss myself, so got up around 2am… the clouds had cleared and the Volcán Fuego was erupting in the night and was just out of this world. The mountain and my shelter would rumble and shake with each eruption. It was loud and the power was undeniable Just craziness.

I had drifted back to sleep and later was woke up with a knock on my doggie door at 4am… the guides were going to do the summit leg to watch the sunrise and wanted to get there at 5:45am and asked if I wanted to go. There was a large group of the Dutch girls using their screaming volume out front that were going and I thought for a brief moment that pushing one (or all) into the volcano is likely uncouth in any country, let alone the one I was in. I passed. Much more peeing happened next to my place and then they were off… and then there was peace.

I got up shortly after to watch the Volcán Fuego erupt and the sunrise and a surreal scene of fog, volcanos, trees, lights… and lingering Dutch girls.

After the sunrise I drank my coffee, had breakfast and enjoyed the moments… packed up and stepped over the 732 pee spots on the way out.

I feel like I need to make one of my adventures the Netherlands. I want to wee on all their doorsteps. All of them… anyone want to go with? Drink lots of water if so.

We headed down fast and I was feeling good and kept up with the guide. There was one young German couple in the group. The guy stayed right behind me. On the hike the dude did not use trekking poles, did not wear a jacket in the cold, he had his hands in his pockets most of the time like this hike was too easy and boring while the rest of us were struggling. He said little… but i likes to chat so I asked him about his Hamburg Ironman visor. He had attended it. He said he was waiting for me at the summit. He seemed disappointed that I wasn’t there. He admitted he wore a jacket to the summit at 4am and said next time he may do it naked. We laughed and I was glad to make a friend that could possibly carry me down if needed.

Lots of bonding with the group as we made the decent. I then was rewarded with what I expected from the pain and sacrifice to get up there. Would I do it again? Ask me in 3 months when my quads begin to deflate. I was quite happy to be off that fk’r… but I traded in a life, and my house, and my things for experiences. And this one was indeed an experience of a lifetime.

Now time to soak in the hot springs two towns over…